|leave 'em laughing when you go, and if you care don't let them know...
||[Oct. 7th, 2008|02:14 pm]
|||||clouds - joni mitchell||]|
i have tons of work to do. tons. what better time to update?
i'm not even really sure what i have to say. my life is pretty much. sleep, run, eat, coffee, coffee, coffee, pretend to do school work, eat, drink (too much), sleep. seriously.
while i was running this morning i was thinking about how much i'm going to miss running here after graduation. i've done the same route for two years and it's my favourite route i have ever discovered. i've run in a lot of places: moncton, montreal, ottawa, toronto, zurich, london, various cities in maine and various cities in new hampshire, quebec city and a few other small towns on weekend trips. still, halifax is my favourite. maybe it's because it's the city where this addicition to running started or maybe it's because i've run here in all the seasons of the year. the water front changes astronomically from season to season and i love it. right now, there are still tourists, but mostly it's locals clinging to the last days of semi-warm weather and trying to fit in that last ice cream day that is driven by sunlight and not some overwhelming desire to have a treat. in the summer it is jam-packed with camera toting tourists and small children running and laughing and i have to dodge family pictures and videos and try not to trip over toddlers. in the winter i can pretend i'm the only person in the world. it's usually pretty barren aside from a few dedicated pet owners and other runners. a lot of the time i'll see nobody for the duration, when it starts to turn to spring again there are days when it's full of people pretending that summer is here to stay and they race around in inappropriate clothing for the weather and smile as though they aren't freezing, but they're so happy they can enjoy some sunshine and see something other than frozen over harbour water. other days, when we get an infamous spring snowstorm, it goes back to being barren and contemplative and still just as lovely as any other day. i am going to miss running in this city.
i thought that the feeling of wanting time to speed up and freeze all at the same time was only attached to summer, but i still find myself feeling that way. some days more than others, but still. there are so many moments when i wish i could fast forward to this time next year, be living in england and having some semblance of my own life, and then there are other moments that i want to cling to, that i wish i could make last forever, that i want to grab these people by the shoulders and scream BUT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER! both types of feelings are fleeting and switch from one second to the next. i am terrified, terrified at the thought of losing touch, but i am excited and anxious to start going after the things i have always wanted for my whole life. somehow it's never crossed my mind that it won't happen. everything that has ever happened in my life, from relationships, to education, to personal triumphs and struggles has always pointed to the end result being exactly what i want. i used to absolutely believe in everything happening for a reason and i still seek solace in that belief from time to time. and it's because of moments like these.
i've been very ready to move on lately. i mean emotionally as well as physically. physically i will be happy to stay in my attic with my favourite people for another few months. and i will bawl the day i have to pack it all away and literally say goodbye forever to my lovely sanctuary that i have built within the walls. and i will cling and truly believe that these people and i are not meant to part. but it's all growing up and for the first time in my life i understand the necessity of that. of letting go and moving on. and saying goodbye, maybe forever, maybe not.
i never dealt with "maybes" very well. i always needed hard facts and to know that it was all going to be okay. i've never been afraid of change, i just needed to know that i could still come back to something vaguely familiar and soon, so soon, it's going to be a 'maybe i can and maybe i can't' situation. and i'm okay with that. i've grown up a lot in the last 6 months, with a few digressions and emotionally adolescent periods. but fuck it, quite honestly. i always end up just fine.