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(no subject) [Jan. 12th, 2009|04:51 pm]
head over heels. and i think it's okay.

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(no subject) [Dec. 2nd, 2008|11:27 pm]

i've spent the last 8 days wondering how to write this down. i tried in a private journal, in my own handwriting, but for some reason, as the years pass, or maybe as technology advances, my private journal seems like an arachaic book that will be left for the looters after the armegeddon. something to start building a new society on. i'm digressing to avoid the subject at hand.

my uncle died 8 days ago. and here we are at the point after the death that we stop measuring it in days and start measuring the time that's passed in weeks. and then months. and then years. as is natural. as is what is supposed to make us heal. this concept that time heals things is a lie. that i know for certain after 21 years on this earth. i wish people would stop telling us that. time does not need to "heal" anything. time does not need to make "life go on" . the only thing that time allows us to do after being hit with something like a death is try to define a new way of living. try to define a new life, without that person's influence. in the past 8 days we (my family) have all been trying to maneuver our old life in a way that allows us to continue in a similar fashion, but not exactly the same. never exactly the same. because we will never have to be home for his phone call again. i will never have to remember to respond to an e-mail. we will never dial his number to wish him a happy birthday. all those things were normal before. time cannot heal those in a way to make his birthday the same again. time will only let us try and live around the hurt that is now going to be a part of our normal. whatever hurt i have encountered has not healed, only shaped me and taught me things about myself. in some ways it's made my life more beautiful. it's made me stronger. but if i could go back and change a lot of those hurts i would. i promise you that. i would change most of them.

i am not uncomfortable with the finality of death. maybe because it doesn't seem final to me. and i don't mean that to say that i believe in eternal life. i'm not sure what i believe. all i know is that as i live, so do the memories of the people who have died live with me. and in the moments that i think of the people who have died and wonder what their reaction would be to certain situations, then that person is not gone in that moment.

sometimes i dream about them. and when i wake up i look for them and that little pang of sadness that i can't touch them ever again comes back. but that is simply part of my normal now. it is normal for me to be sad that i will never be able to touch my uncle again. my normal has been altered. time will not change that.

maybe i'm looking at all of this too clinically. but that's what i do with things i can't change. or can't accept. i don't accept his death. so i will make it a part of my life. as morbid as that sounds. and sometimes the knowledge that i can't change any of this hurts my soul so much that i think i must have an infinite amount of tears. and i think that is a good thing, because it means i'm prepared. physically, at least, for the worst. and sometimes i want to dream, because in dreams touching feels real for some reason. and i can feel a hug as if it is happening. and i can hang on to that for just a little bit.



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(no subject) [Nov. 22nd, 2008|08:32 pm]
i'm not sure how time passes so quickly and yet seems to drag on mercilessly at the same time. how's that for a poorly written adolescent paradox? 

this semester is ending so soon. well, it's pretty much over for me, actually and i have to head back home in 2 weeks because i'm working over christmas break. i don't want to go home. at all. for the first time in my life everything in my body and soul is yearning to stay as far away from home as possible for as long as possible. if i had my way i would go home on the 23rd and come back here on the 27th. quick and painless. however, i should know by now that nothing regarding moncton is quick and painless. usually, at this time of year i'm getting excited to head home for an extended period of time that isn't the daunting and intolerable length of summer, but i don't want to go at all. there are too many things to avoid there, to be honest. i have burned a lot of bridges in the past few months.

i was just going to apologize for always being whiney whenever i do update this thing. but i'm not going to because i don't care. i need to whine sometimes.

i want to move to england now. i want my life to start. i know, i shouldn't "wish my life away" , as they say, but i'm wishing these next few months away okay? because i am done with this chapter of my life. i'm done with sitting in classrooms and having furniture that doesn't match. i want a real, grown up bed and a real grown up tv. i don't want permanance. i just want to own something. and i want adventure.

the thought of spending another summer at home, in that city, is a crushing weight on my back. i would do almost anything to avoid that happening. but i can't move to england until september, because i won't be able to afford it. whine, whine, whine. it's what i do.

i need to talk to people and sort things out at home quickly, but instead of getting further away from everything i am almost running directly for it. full speed ahead. i have nobody to blame for anything that has ever happened to me, but myself. i walk into things. i practically start the trouble myself.  and then i will somehow make it somebody else's fault. the fact that i know all this about myself does not make the fact that i do these things any better.

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leave 'em laughing when you go, and if you care don't let them know... [Oct. 7th, 2008|02:14 pm]
[Current Music |clouds - joni mitchell]

i have tons of work to do. tons. what better time to update? 

i'm not even really sure what i have to say. my life is pretty much. sleep, run, eat, coffee, coffee, coffee, pretend to do school work, eat,  drink (too much), sleep. seriously.

while i was running this morning i was thinking about how much i'm going to miss running here after graduation. i've done the same route for two years and it's my favourite route i have ever discovered.  i've run in a lot of places: moncton, montreal, ottawa, toronto, zurich, london, various cities in maine and various cities in new hampshire, quebec city and a few other small towns on weekend trips. still, halifax is my favourite. maybe it's because it's the city where this addicition to running started or maybe it's because i've run here in all the seasons of the year. the water front changes astronomically from season to season and i love it. right now, there are still tourists, but mostly it's locals clinging to the last days of semi-warm weather and trying to fit in that last ice cream day that is driven by sunlight and not some overwhelming desire to have a treat. in the summer it is jam-packed with camera toting tourists and small children running and laughing and i have to dodge family pictures and videos and try not to trip over toddlers. in the winter i can pretend i'm the only person in the world. it's usually pretty barren aside from a few dedicated pet owners and other runners. a lot of the time i'll see nobody for the duration, when it starts to turn to spring again there are days when it's full of people pretending that summer is here to stay and they race around in inappropriate clothing for the weather and smile as though they aren't freezing, but they're so happy they can enjoy some sunshine and see something other than frozen over harbour water. other days, when we get an infamous spring snowstorm, it goes back to being barren and contemplative and still just as lovely as any other day. i am going to miss running in this city.

i thought that the feeling of wanting time to speed up and freeze all at the same time was only attached to summer, but i still find myself feeling that way. some days more than others, but still. there are so many moments when i wish i could fast forward to this time next year, be living in england and having some semblance of my own life, and then there are other moments that i want to cling to, that i wish i could make last forever, that i want to grab these people by the shoulders and scream BUT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER! both types of feelings are fleeting and switch from one second to the next. i am terrified, terrified at the thought of losing touch, but i am excited and anxious to start going after the things i have always wanted for my whole life. somehow it's never crossed my mind that it won't happen. everything that has ever happened in my life, from relationships, to education, to personal triumphs and struggles has always pointed to the end result being exactly what i want. i used to absolutely believe in everything happening for a reason and i still seek solace in that belief from time to time. and it's because of moments like these.

i've been very ready to move on lately. i mean emotionally as well as physically. physically i will be happy to stay in my attic with my favourite people for another few months. and i will bawl the day i have to pack it all away and literally say goodbye forever to my lovely sanctuary that i have built within the walls. and i will cling and truly believe that these people and i are not meant to part. but it's all growing up and for the first time in my life i understand the necessity of that. of letting go and moving on. and saying goodbye, maybe forever, maybe not.

i never dealt with "maybes" very well. i always needed hard facts and to know that it was all going to be okay. i've never been afraid of change, i just needed to know that i could still come back to something vaguely familiar and soon, so soon, it's going to be a 'maybe i can and maybe i can't' situation. and i'm okay with that. i've grown up a lot in the last 6 months, with a few digressions and emotionally adolescent periods.  but fuck it, quite honestly. i always end up just fine.

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(no subject) [Sep. 14th, 2008|10:52 pm]
i went back and read entries from first year tonight. depressing as it is to admit, i am in same emotional place as i was then. i am so different, yet so much the same that it make my head spin.

things are wonderful in this moment right now. some days i wonder why i am doing all this. part of me knows this isn't going to be what i do forever and it all seems frivolous but most of me isn't willing to admit that. i've been doing a lot of reading and procrastinating and coming to mini revelations, all the while being unwilling to admit that i am more right about things than i have been in months. i am always unwilling to let go of the things most unhealthy for me.

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(no subject) [Sep. 2nd, 2008|08:39 pm]
finally back in my life. my temporary life that feels way more real than the one i lead for 18 years in moncton. this whole summer was different on so many levels and it made coming back so much sweeter, but also more difficult than it has ever been. even though i didn't have marty to say goodbye to, even though my whole foundation seemed to crumble all at once. i think that's what made it so difficult to leave. the last pieces that needed to fall apart did. and it's totally, totally bitter sweet and yet i don't feel like i've lost anything. i just feel like i've finally peeled away. and i feel like a different person.

school starts for the last time on thursday. that feels so weird and to know that i only have 8 months in this apartment, in this city feels weird too. it's like this whole year is based on what happens next and what is happening for the last time. i'm not ready. i'm going to be letting go of everything all at once and it doesn't feel like it's been long enough. but i suppose this is a subject for april.

it feels good to be back and to be thinking again; about real things and about school. it feels good to set attainable goals. also, it feels good to get back to being somewhat autonomous and not have to explain myself. sometimes i forget that i'm a grownup at home because, well, i'm not treated like one. which is nobody's fault.

anyways this is kind of a pointless, actually a totally pointless, entry but i just needed to officially remind myself that i'm back.

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i'm doing this because nina did... and now you should too... [Aug. 7th, 2008|03:02 pm]
The Big Read thinks the average adult has only read six of the top 100 books they've printed below.

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.

2) Italicise those you intend to read

3) Underline the books you LOVE.

4) Reprint this list in your own LJ so we can try and track down these people who've read 6 and force books upon them.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen

2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien

3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling

5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee

6 The Bible

7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell

9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman

10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens

11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott

12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare

15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks

18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger

19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch - George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell

22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald

23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens

24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy

25 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams

26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh

27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy

32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens

33 Prince Caspian - CS Lewis

34 Emma - Jane Austen

35 Persuasion - Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - C.S. Lewis

37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini

38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres (!!!)

39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden (!!!!!)

40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne

41 Animal Farm - George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving

45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery

47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding

50 Atonement - Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel

52 Dune - Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon (!!!)

57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens

58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas

66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones' Diary - Helen Fielding

69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie

70 Moby-Dick - Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens

72 Dracula - Bram Stoker

73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett

74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses - James Joyce

76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath

77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal - Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession - AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell

83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte's Web - EB White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks

94 Watership Down - Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

20 ... not too terrible.

My work life is boring. And it's freezing, in August.

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(no subject) [Jul. 18th, 2008|10:39 am]
i'm exhausted. and i actually kind of slept last night. and i stayed in bed until 230 yesterday afternoon. my hangover was brutal. my eyes feel so heavy and i am listless and unmotivated. i feel kind of nauseous too. and apparently whiny. maybe i'm legitimately getting sick. that would suck, but it would make sense since i haven't slept in forever.

work is boring, yet again. i'm supposed to be calling various waterparks and beaches for a "fun in the sun" article, but i just don't feel like doing it yet. i am moody. and so very tired. i work this weekend, i'm kind of happy about it because it gives me an excuse to be anti-social. i don't feel like doing much of anything this weekend.

my parents come home tonight. i should be happier about it, but i want my house to myself for longer. hopefully they go out tonight and i can just be in my house alone. i just want to read and watch movies all night.

i'm going into one of my "pretend i don't exist" moods again. i have them every now and then. it's not that i'm unhappy, it's just that sometimes i feel like i need to cut myself off from the whole world and just pretend that it's only me. these moods only last a short time as long as everybody really does leave me alone. it's not hard to do because i just kind of hide for a few days. i'm almost looking forward to it.

i'm supposed to go to a wedding tonight, but i think i'll skip it. i don't feel like smiling through another ceremony and reception. i've been to 3 weddings this summer. and i'm not in much of a party mood. this is how i know i'm getting anti-social for a few days. i am always in a party mood.

i think cutting myself off from the world will be good for me. i need to reevaluate and take time to focus on doing things that make sense. i know what it is and i know it's going to take massive discipline and courage to do, which is why it probably won't happen. but i need to figure it out because september is going to be hard enough.

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but now i'm scared that's how i like to be... [Jul. 16th, 2008|10:58 am]
i'm an approval junkie. it just occurred to me about 5 seconds ago. and now it's bothering me. i'm sure it has a lot to do with my also being a control freak and my inability to accept things as they are.

i'd be perfectly content to have a career, big house, closet full of shoes, friends and a dog. because then society would approve and i would approve of myself. but at the same time it's nice to have somebody who wants to spend time with you. who sends messages throughout the day and to let you know you're on their mind.

i'm seeking this approval from anybody. obviously, i'm not as ready or as strong as i thought i was. as soon as somebody turns their back i either push them so far away it's like they died, or i hang on for dear life, like a cat who is constantly brushing up against the person who hates them. neither of these is effective. and both make me feel lonely and tired. but i'll tell anybody i'm neither of those things. god forbid.

i'm moody. my stomach hurts. all i want to do is sleep. and stop thinking. and stop acting like i'm 15. and maybe all these entries should be private, i have no idea. i don't know much. i'm not terribly unhappy. in fact, i think this is the happiest i've been in a year maybe years. which is what is leading me to all these self revelations. i live inside my head. and sometimes i feel as though the ceiling is pushing down on me and it's all i can do not to crouch into a little ball and protect myself from it. but i've developed an ability to turn it off, push it off of me and laugh. a genuine laugh and all of a sudden i feel better.

it's a strange existence to always know that i'm fine. i can still be plagued with these minor problems. annoyances, grievances, tears even. but i can turn it all off, ignore it, objectify it. channel it into making myself look at everything good. i don't understand when it happened. but it's exactly what lead me to realize that i am consistently seeking approval from everybody. myself, especially. and i am fully aware it's unrealistic. even from myself, i'm too critical of everything. i even push myself away. maybe through laughter? is that me seeking approval from myself to allow happiness? no idea. i know my shortcomings too well. which is why i am here right? narcissism and an inability to say any of this out loud. why is it that writing it down seems less legit? i know it's supposed to be the other way around. i guess hearing it come from my own voice makes it more real than watching it appear on a screen. also, my spoken words are less eloquent, if you can believe that anything would be less eloquent than these inane ramblings you're probably not reading.

so push me away and i'll push right back. and soon it will all seem as though it never happened. and i can pretend you never made me feel this way. and i can pretend you never disapproved and that you don't exist and i'll go right on with my life. and hope that you never make your way back in. or that i never run into you unexpectedly because that's the worst, when i'm not ready to acknowledge a person's existence. when i haven't had time to figure out how i'll feel when i see you. because then i'd have to deal with the real ones.

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(no subject) [Jul. 15th, 2008|11:13 am]
bored, bored, bored. this job sucks sometimes. yes, great experience and blah, blah, blah, but i'm tired and cranky and i don't feel like doing any assignments. none of them are due until the 18th anyways.

i haven't gone to bed before 2 a.m. in almost 2 months. i get up at 6 a.m. there is only one reason i'm awake and that needs to stop because, once again, it's going nowhere. i know how stupid i am, so at least that's a step up from my old habits. i'm not even sure how much i like him anymore. i think i just hate the ever immanency of the rejection, so i'm holding on just to prove i really don't have any pride. maybe i'm lying, i don't know. i like him, i know this. but i don't like the games and i really, really don't like the drama that has followed me everywhere with the whole situation. fuck it. i'm done. maybe.

i know i'll hold on for the rest of the summer. that's what i do.

it's almost amusing to me now. i know myself too well. i won't even be upset. or at least i'll tell myself i'm not. it's going to be strange, and i have no real idea how we got to this point so quickly. or maybe i do, it's because other people get involved. people i've hated for years. i mean really, truly despised. and i don't want to consistently have to deal with them either. maybe i really am done.

i have no idea where all this anger is coming from. otherwise, i am in an extremely good mood. i'm just so tired and the crankiness is coming from both my fatigue and the thing that is causing my fatigue.

i'm excited to escape to halifax next weekend. for a few reasons and i think it will help me figure out a lot of things. i need my life back. this city kills me. figuratively speaking. my best girl friend in this city is my brother's girlfriend. she's an awesome person, but ... i need somebody a little more my age, and less attached to my family. i love her though. she seems to be one of the only people here who have it all figured out.

i'm exhausted. i'm excited to party tomorrow. i feel like i need it, and i think that may be becoming a problem. i have partied way more than normal this summer. if marty shows up i won't even pretend to be hospitable. i don't think i owe him that.

i apologize for the nonsensical and unnecessary rant.

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